I don't even know when I started getting so depressed all the time, I just always feel like shit and all alone all the time and so miserable and I hate myself and I can't ever do anything right but no one ever wants to just talk to me or listen but it's not their fault, I just need some help or something, I don't know, and it's not like I have anything important to say anyway. everything that's been happening the past few years have just been such a waste of time and it's getting me nowhere and every time I think it's getting better I just realize that no matter what I do, people are just going to disappear or ignore what I have to say or whatever, and I hate how people always talk to me but they don't really care, they just want someone to talk to because I'm like a fucking therapist without the lounging couch and why the fuck do people do stupid things even though I tell them it's a really really bad idea, like why even ask my opinion in the first place if you're just going to make your own decisions anyway? fuck people who keep things from me until it's all blown over, story of my life. and why do people say nice things to me? because none of that stuff is true, I'm an awful person and so okay, maybe I don't get involved in any drama with other people but that doesn't mean I can't beat myself up too, it's only natural so don't judge me for anything, not even this long post. this has nothing to do with any of you, it's just about me being messed up even though I have nothing/everything to be upset about.
I wish I could stop fucking eating all the time and I wish it could be winter forever even though I hate the cold because if I get to wear bulky sweaters all the time and hide myself I'd be ecstatic. and it would be so nice to have friends who are actually friends, like I really want a best friend because okay I have one, but I never see her and she never tells me anything but I don't hate her because she doesn't have to tell me everything, it's her own life yknow. but ugh there's never anyone here for me, like physically mentally emotionally here to just drop in to say hi, or to just call you to talk about nothing, or to hang out with and just watch tv because why the fuck do people always have to do something exciting when they hang out with each other anyway? friends do not hang out with friends just because it's a habit or part of a schedule, and same with family, like why is it okay for families to set a schedule for what times you can see each other or do something fun together or go out or just laze around? and why am I so fucking stupid, grades don't mean anything because in the end I'm learning nothing except that I can't handle four measly classes even though I don't even have a social life to distract me. oh and I'm sorry I'm not freakin rich like the rest of you who flash their money around and show off their fancy apple products and giant tvs and shelves and shelves of useless crap. I'm so fucking useless and I bet if I just stopped talking to everyone and stopped using the internet and stopped all forms of communication with everyone for a month, no one would even notice or think twice about it.
but I don't cry or treat people like shit okay? and even if I talk about myself sometimes I never tell people all the real stuff going on in my mind, and I'm so glad no one reads the shit on this blog because then they'd just judge me and think I'm a weird, ungrateful person who has no reason to be so depressed all the time. I like people and I like being friendly and I try to never ever start shit or get emotional to people, so if you're scared or turned off by this post then fine, I deserve it for publishing this in the first place. and no this isn't some spur of the moment shit, just because I don't blog about every fucking thing all the time it doesn't mean it's not happening. ugh idk I just want to get out of here, I hate this
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
First of all, I want you to know that I consider you to be such a unique friend of mine. I feel like we can chit chat over the internet and still somewhat keep up with each other, but when we do actually get to hang out, it's like, amazing, and as if we hadn't been separated by college for a whole semester, haha. I know I can just hang with you without an expectations or limitations because we can just be ourselves and not be ashamed. So in that sense, I really appreciate your friendship.
ReplyDeleteAt the same time, there are a lot of things in this post that I can relate to. Ever since we all left for college I told myself it would be a fresh start - new friends [I mean, I loved the friends I had in highschool but I was ready for a new crowd, new times, stuff like that, ya know?], new experiences and all that jazz. But when I look back at it now, I cannot say I've made a close friend like the ones I did in highschool. There is one, maybe, that I know I will be able to talk to once I leave here. And the reason I said all of this is because I'm lonely too. I'm not saying that for pity or attention, but I understand what you're feeling. And even though we're friends we're not that physically close [like, distance wise, haha, I realized how weird that sounded after I wrote that] so I can't just stop by and say hello, or text you to come have dinner, or just come veg and watch a movie, or go to 7/11 with me to get a slurpie, and random shindigs like that. I don't have anyone to do that up here with other than my roommates but wouldn't it be nice for us to have friends, outside of the house, that we can hang with?
I also kinda know what you mean about the whole school thing. I mean, these past two years I've worked my butt off to get a good gpa so I could transfer to a dream school. But what then? I'll focus on my grades again for sure but what we should care about is what we're learning - I mean, we're learning it so we can apply it to a job later in life. But I feel like college has just been turned into something to check off a list on a resume, and it doesn't matter what classes you took or what you learned, it's that you graduated in high standing. So what's the point? I've been asking myself the same thing. But I also try to remind myself to stay positive because there are things in life that we have to do, that we may not understand, but are required to get us to where we want to be [whether we know what that is right now or not]. So keep your head up - college life will pay of eventually, even though we may not see the benefits right now, or the future it will be present in.
I guess the main thing that your post reminded me was just the whole idea of friendship. I mean, we took it for granted back in highschool when you were guaranteed to see everyone everyday. But now it just seems so hard to stay in contact with others - I mean, there are days where I go without even talking to my own mom. But how hard should that really be? We should all try to stay in touch - whether it be a small text saying hello and that I was thinking of you, or that hour long conversation after a stressful day. I'm learning more and more how to be a better friend because honestly, I haven't had that many friends in the past. I don't cycle through them like songs on shuffle - so I don't have much experience. I guess what I'm saying is that I am sorry for not being a great friend, and for not trying harder. I hope to learn how to be a better friend. I know this post isn't necessarily directed at me, but I still consider us friends and I am therefore responsible for being a good friend. And I feel like I'm slacking when you aren't doing well.
So text me, call me, email me, skype me, blog me, tumble me, twitter me, whatever it takes. Keep me accountable as a good friend! I'm gonna try to be there, I'll do my best. And maybe we can work on it together. Let's make a pact, okay? :] <3