so much drama. none of which I'm actually involved in. but there's so much of it going around me with all my friends and there's no escaping it. I would love it if just one of my friends had no drama or just a normal relationship with their families and friends and boyfriends/girlfriends because maybe I'm just sheltered, but there's only so many soap opera plotlines that can fit into my daily life.
and there are things happening with me too but who am I supposed to talk to? nothing too crazy or dramatic or dysfunctional like with everyone else, but why can't I just say what I have to say too? I love listening, but if the only things I listen to are sob stories and unresolved conflicts and crazy things I never expected to hear from my friends, I'm done for.
and I only have one person I can say anything to, but I always feel like I'm bugging her or telling her too much information because she doesn't tell ME everything so why should I? but I have to tell someone and if she's the only one who will listen, then what choice do I have? and I want to tell her, I just also feel like I'm being too needy or clingy and like, can't I just have a life of my own and then tell her big stories later so she's more surprised and less suffocated? it's not fair that she can keep secrets from me for a few weeks or longer, but I have to tell her the very second it happens. and I can't go as much into depth as I'd like because then I'd just feel stupider.
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1. he didn't show up today. even if it wasn't official or anything I still feel like I've been stood up...even though I wasn't. I tried to look nice for him today, and I got all anxious, and I left early so I could catch him, and I stressed all night picking out something to wear, and I even planned out a few things to say to him. and now nothing. disappointment.
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2. boy problems. three different boys, four in some cases. I'm only interested in one [see 1.] but these other two/three won't get the hint even though I've been making it so obvious. I don't want to be asked out, especially over the internet. I don't want to be IMed every day and texted every day and facebook-ed every day. and the conversations are so awkward and it's like, can't you two/three just leave me alone now? I'm FAR from interested in G and J and M because B is the only one I really like. in fact, I have NEVER liked G or J or M EVER, so why would that change now when they're being extra-clingy?
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3. I'm so alone in SF even though I'm not. I have so many more friends here than I used to but most of them only hang out when there's a big group of us [they never ask to hang out one-on-one or just text for the fun of it] and the few real friends I have here don't make much time for me. and I mean they are my friends, if I asked them to make time for me, they would without hesitation. but I don't want to have to ask for it, I want them to just want to see me just for the sake of seeing me, not to help them with drama or homework or because they have time to kill. plus all my closest SF friends don't live around school so it's not exactly easy to always see each other.
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4. also, why don't I have any best-girl-friend in SF? all my closest friends are gay guys, and yes I have girl friends but none of them are really the bffle type you know? like we don't do any of the cuddling, gossiping, boy talk, dancing in undies, baking and making messes, watching tv and movies without even paying attention, not wearing makeup, bla bla bla all the stuff girls do. me and my girl friends mostly just hang out with groups of boys, gay or not, so there's not really any bonding, just having fun like a party or something. but sometimes I don't want parties, I just want to chill. the only girl here I could really just say or do anything with is a freshman and has her own life and she has two jobs and lives in a different city and a schedule that conflicts with mine and we've never just hung out outside of school, so would that even work?
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5. is this depression or just anxiety? I'm never depressed, I'm not PMSing or anything stupid like that, I don't have as hard of a life as everyone else I know here. but I think all this added with everyone else's drama is just getting to me. plus I really really really like B even though we barely know each other, and he's the first guy I've liked in over a year, even just a LITTLE bit, let alone a lot. idk he's different somehow.
so my frustration with moving things along with him is just making me more on edge, which makes dealing with other people's drama and being friendless and being lonely is just making a bigger impact. plus I haven't been getting much homework [a good thing] and I've been getting a lot of gaming/tv/movies/reading done [good thing] but somehow it's just so...empty. what's the use of these accomplishments if I have no one to interact with?
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someone save me.
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Life is rough. And when your life isn't rough, someone else's around you is. If that makes any sense, haha. So I definitely know what you mean when you feel like everyone comes to you for their problems, but you don't have someone like that to go to. I mean, I have you and my friends from home but there are times when I wish I had someone physically here to talk to, and to have a bit of reciprocity with. And it's hard to do that long distance. Which I guess touches on your other comment that you don't have those chill best friends to hang out with and I have found the same problem here. Like, I love my roommates and can hang with them, but I am so significantly different from them that I can rarely be myself completely, ya know? It would be so much easier if we were all closer, and didn't have to jump straight into trying to be "comfortable" again over breaks since we haven't seen each other in 3 months. It's just not fair.
ReplyDeleteAnd I wonder if either people have seriously clicked with others, and have made best friends being away at college. Or, if they came into the situations with their best friends. Or if they're in the same boat as us, wondering wtf happened and why can't I have best friends here like everyone else? I bet there are more of "us" than we believe. I will never say that I miss highschool because I dreaded going back every day, but I missed the social aspect of seeing the same people every day all throughout our K-12 years. It was convenient.
I love that you wrote this all out because everyone kinda goes through it. And I'd comment on the boy area but I am so out of touch in that realm that I wouldn't know what to say. I am the worst person to give advice about men. But honestly, some people are blind, and ignorant to what's in front of them. Maybe that's the case with your boy trouble, I dunno. But I hope it works out! Now that I wrote a novel, I'm gonna stop. Haha.