relationships

1.
he cheated on you. a lot. he still does it. he treats you like shit and makes you do things for him and blames you when things don't go his way, and even though you grew up homeless and he grew up rich, he still makes you buy $200 things for him every week. and every time you finally do the smart thing and break up with him or try to leave, you just come crawling back within 24 hours even though you know nothing good will come from it. you fight every day and are forced to be around people you can't stand. you're completely and utterly whipped, and you will do whatever he tells you to do because you just want someone to love you, even though that someone will never be him.
you delete your entire facebook page just to save yourself from changing your relationship status to "single," which is probably one of the stupidest and most impulsive decisions you've made. you revive your facebook after 12 hours without it, even though you tell me how serious you are about cutting off all ties to the internet so you can spend more time studying and being with people who actually care about you. your relationship status still says "in a relationship." and news flash, it doesn't say, "in a relationship with _____" because he doesn't even consider himself in a relationship with you; his facebook says he's "married" to someone else. "don't kiss the ass that's shitting on you."
you ask for my advice and the advice of all your other friends, and we all tell you the same thing. and then you say one thing to us, but when it comes to actually fixing yourself and changing your life and making yourself happier, you change your mind at the last minute and become a pushover and come crawling back to him, and he doesn't even appreciate it. and then of course you feel like you've done us wrong, which you have, but that doesn't mean we'll hate you or treat you the way he treats you when he's mad. you decide to avoid us and leave us hanging without a word, and days later you spit out some excuse that we both know is bullshit. we aren't really your friends if you treat us the same way he's treating you.

2.
he's your first boyfriend and you think it will last forever. it lasts one month. it doesn't end badly, and you are still friends to this day. you spam the internet with facebook and xanga and whateverelseisoutthere posts about how heartbroken you are even though it happened over a year ago, and how lonely you are and how much you hate yourself even though you two are still extremely close. just because you aren't cuddling with him doesn't mean your life is shite. you upset even the nicest girl in the world, one of your best friends, who never ever gets upset at anything, but you're so selfish that you can't see how annoyed she is becoming, how you will just talk but never listen. you become so wrapped up in your breakup from a one-month relationship 15 months ago, but you don't even notice how your best friend is also dealing with heartbreak and negative feelings about herself, even though she says right to your face how she's never had a boyfriend before and she doesn't like when people always talk about themselves and complain.
I tell you I just broke up with my boyfriend, and instead of trying to make me feel better, you just say "oh me too--" and carry on with the long story that everyone knows because you won't let it just become private information between you and him. you wonder why he broke up with you in the first place. boys don't like dramatics.

3.
the first time we meet, I don't see you as a whore. I still don't, I never will. but then the stories come pouring out, how you've slept with so-and-so and how you've been with 4 guys since january and how you've had a zillion boyfriends in your life and a zillion other people who were never boyfriends, just casual fucks. you know this new guy for maybe a few weeks, and after you have dates with him you come back to our place and tell us the story, and your face lights up and we can't help but feel happy for you.
and then of course, before you are actually in a relationship with him, you let him touch you like that, and it isn't until a few weeks later that you find out he has genital herpes and never bothered to tell you. you don't know what to do. we're your friends and do what we can to help, or at least they do because you and me, we aren't really super close to begin with, I just really like hanging out with you in general. so everything gets sorted out, and you hate him, and then at that party you make out with a new guy, one who's ugly and rude and doesn't care about your feelings, as long as it means he gets some tongue action later. you do this with him just because it will make your ex jealous, and for good reason.
eventually things blow over and I thought that was the end of it. then the news on the grapevine is you're back together, and that's fine, if you worked it out. but is it true you aren't together anymore? were you even together, or did you just hook up more? we speak less than ever before, but it doesn't change the fact that you just can't let boys -- not men -- go.

conclusion.
people are so desperate for relationships. they will do whatever it takes to have someone to call when they're bored, or to have a name to go with the "in a relationship" status online. they will continue to be with people who don't care about them, and even though they know they'll get hurt a million times over in the future, they'll let it happen to them anyway, so long as they don't get hurt now. "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." they will complain and complain about the shit they get into when it's their own fault it's happening in the first place; they know nothing good will come of this relationship, but they let it happen regardless.
relationships aren't everything, because you realize there are other people in your life, like friends or family or even mere acquaintances that can treat you better than them. you have to get your priorities straight. we're young, we have plenty of time, there are other fish in the sea, and even if you had someone with you right now it doesn't mean forever. and the only relationship you should be having is the one with yourself because you matter more, and in the end, it is your happiness that should decide everything once and for all.

don't read this

I don't even know when I started getting so depressed all the time, I just always feel like shit and all alone all the time and so miserable and I hate myself and I can't ever do anything right but no one ever wants to just talk to me or listen but it's not their fault, I just need some help or something, I don't know, and it's not like I have anything important to say anyway. everything that's been happening the past few years have just been such a waste of time and it's getting me nowhere and every time I think it's getting better I just realize that no matter what I do, people are just going to disappear or ignore what I have to say or whatever, and I hate how people always talk to me but they don't really care, they just want someone to talk to because I'm like a fucking therapist without the lounging couch and why the fuck do people do stupid things even though I tell them it's a really really bad idea, like why even ask my opinion in the first place if you're just going to make your own decisions anyway? fuck people who keep things from me until it's all blown over, story of my life. and why do people say nice things to me? because none of that stuff is true, I'm an awful person and so okay, maybe I don't get involved in any drama with other people but that doesn't mean I can't beat myself up too, it's only natural so don't judge me for anything, not even this long post. this has nothing to do with any of you, it's just about me being messed up even though I have nothing/everything to be upset about.

I wish I could stop fucking eating all the time and I wish it could be winter forever even though I hate the cold because if I get to wear bulky sweaters all the time and hide myself I'd be ecstatic. and it would be so nice to have friends who are actually friends, like I really want a best friend because okay I have one, but I never see her and she never tells me anything but I don't hate her because she doesn't have to tell me everything, it's her own life yknow. but ugh there's never anyone here for me, like physically mentally emotionally here to just drop in to say hi, or to just call you to talk about nothing, or to hang out with and just watch tv because why the fuck do people always have to do something exciting when they hang out with each other anyway? friends do not hang out with friends just because it's a habit or part of a schedule, and same with family, like why is it okay for families to set a schedule for what times you can see each other or do something fun together or go out or just laze around? and why am I so fucking stupid, grades don't mean anything because in the end I'm learning nothing except that I can't handle four measly classes even though I don't even have a social life to distract me. oh and I'm sorry I'm not freakin rich like the rest of you who flash their money around and show off their fancy apple products and giant tvs and shelves and shelves of useless crap. I'm so fucking useless and I bet if I just stopped talking to everyone and stopped using the internet and stopped all forms of communication with everyone for a month, no one would even notice or think twice about it.

but I don't cry or treat people like shit okay? and even if I talk about myself sometimes I never tell people all the real stuff going on in my mind, and I'm so glad no one reads the shit on this blog because then they'd just judge me and think I'm a weird, ungrateful person who has no reason to be so depressed all the time. I like people and I like being friendly and I try to never ever start shit or get emotional to people, so if you're scared or turned off by this post then fine, I deserve it for publishing this in the first place. and no this isn't some spur of the moment shit, just because I don't blog about every fucking thing all the time it doesn't mean it's not happening. ugh idk I just want to get out of here, I hate this

my awesome little haiku.

once upon a time
I died a little inside
and that was the end.

on the fence?

[spring break]

pro: chill day today, just a quick calculus class and an easy meteorology test tomorrow before spring break starts. not nervous about anything. excited because I haven't really been home in 6 weeks. excited to see certain people and relax because for once I have no homework over break.

con: only three friends are in town over break because everyone can afford tickets to New York to visit Huy and Steph but my family only makes $30,000 a year with 2 out of 3 people in college so I don't have the money to join them. and they say they'll text me and call me all the time when they're in NYC and I'm just like, wtf that'll only make me feel worse, please don't. and everyone leaves tomorrow, about an hour before I get home.



[boys]

pro: things are going pretty okay with youknowwho, it's maybe not as special or fun or nervewracking as it used to be but I think I like that for now. not seeing him for a while for obvious reasons, but that's okay with me too and I think I need it. also, cute boy in meteorology. and in american lit. and in renaissance lit, but idk him and he's kind of a bitch lmfao.

con: frustrated because he won't just say what needs to be said, and last night was just ugh. he just made me annoyed. flirting's fun but it's starting to get old and it's like, can we get to the next level yet or what? and other boys still don't get the picture and leave me alone. deleted someone from facebook the other day because he was just getting to be too much to handle. Leah always says I'm popular with boys but it's like, even if that's true why are they all wusses or annoying or too shy to do anything about it?



[friends]

pro: making so many new friends this semester. have a whole posse at school now so that's cool. my roommate is awesome and we never fight or anything. just today Kevin brought over these two girls I didn't know and they were pretty cool. stoked to see SJ friends soon, and with drama going on with people at home, it's good to know I'm still on good terms with my friends.

con: my college friends all like drama and that's annoying. and not like, hesaidshesaid drama, but serious stuff like pregnancy scares and STD scares and cheaters and rumors and drunk/high stories and bla bla bla. not interested. and some people in SJ are sososo annoying and like causing drama and talking shit so I'm going to stay out of it but it's only a matter of time before I blow. plus I'm annoyed with some of my bffles back home. getting a boyfriend does not mean you cut off all ties from your friends. and just because you're an hour away [oh wow, so far] it does not mean you can barely talk to me and then expect me to tell you my life story even though you refuse to tell me anything you're up to -- and twitter/facebook/etc proves you're doing serious, crazy things and getting fucked up all the time, so don't lie and say you're doing nothing but homework, wtf?



[hobbies]

pros: all caught up with 30 Rock, working on Skins and a few other things. gaming more than I used to, now that all the crazy school stuff's over. reading a lot more, and even though most of it is school related I still feel accomplished. and I get a lot of formspring questions, so that's pretty rad. ;] also loving the fact that pokemon snap was only $5.

cons: thanks to all the anime stuff going on in a few months and my recent purchase of a ps3 [the money for these things are so worth it, but still cleans out my already-near-empty pockets], I'm bordering on miserable because the weight of debt is on my shoulders. grrr this is what happens to poor college students who have to use scholarships and loans to pay for groceries.

I was webcamming with my best friend and just gossiping, and then we started talking about something that happened a few years ago. and then she started to cry and it was just so sad to see her going from enthusiastic-->normal-->tearing up that I started to cry too.

how can anyone doubt that we're best friends?

10 things me and my best friend have done together:

1. called my mom "mom".
2. signed up for every social networking site.
3. memorized the way to the nearest Red Robins.
4. pulled all-nighters to watch tv shows.
5. read fanfiction on the same screen.
6. gone to McDonalds 3 times in one day.
7. fallen for the same guy.
8. given up that guy.
9. gotten high for the first time.
10. missed The Sounds concert.

iloveher<33

I'm in love.

oh my god. he makes me so happyyyyy.
EEE I always have such a silly smile on my face when I see him.

OKAY THAT'S ALL BYE.

speechless, speechfull.

so much drama. none of which I'm actually involved in. but there's so much of it going around me with all my friends and there's no escaping it. I would love it if just one of my friends had no drama or just a normal relationship with their families and friends and boyfriends/girlfriends because maybe I'm just sheltered, but there's only so many soap opera plotlines that can fit into my daily life.

and there are things happening with me too but who am I supposed to talk to? nothing too crazy or dramatic or dysfunctional like with everyone else, but why can't I just say what I have to say too? I love listening, but if the only things I listen to are sob stories and unresolved conflicts and crazy things I never expected to hear from my friends, I'm done for.

and I only have one person I can say anything to, but I always feel like I'm bugging her or telling her too much information because she doesn't tell ME everything so why should I? but I have to tell someone and if she's the only one who will listen, then what choice do I have? and I want to tell her, I just also feel like I'm being too needy or clingy and like, can't I just have a life of my own and then tell her big stories later so she's more surprised and less suffocated? it's not fair that she can keep secrets from me for a few weeks or longer, but I have to tell her the very second it happens. and I can't go as much into depth as I'd like because then I'd just feel stupider.

--

1. he didn't show up today. even if it wasn't official or anything I still feel like I've been stood up...even though I wasn't. I tried to look nice for him today, and I got all anxious, and I left early so I could catch him, and I stressed all night picking out something to wear, and I even planned out a few things to say to him. and now nothing. disappointment.

--

2. boy problems. three different boys, four in some cases. I'm only interested in one [see 1.] but these other two/three won't get the hint even though I've been making it so obvious. I don't want to be asked out, especially over the internet. I don't want to be IMed every day and texted every day and facebook-ed every day. and the conversations are so awkward and it's like, can't you two/three just leave me alone now? I'm FAR from interested in G and J and M because B is the only one I really like. in fact, I have NEVER liked G or J or M EVER, so why would that change now when they're being extra-clingy?

--

3. I'm so alone in SF even though I'm not. I have so many more friends here than I used to but most of them only hang out when there's a big group of us [they never ask to hang out one-on-one or just text for the fun of it] and the few real friends I have here don't make much time for me. and I mean they are my friends, if I asked them to make time for me, they would without hesitation. but I don't want to have to ask for it, I want them to just want to see me just for the sake of seeing me, not to help them with drama or homework or because they have time to kill. plus all my closest SF friends don't live around school so it's not exactly easy to always see each other.

--

4. also, why don't I have any best-girl-friend in SF? all my closest friends are gay guys, and yes I have girl friends but none of them are really the bffle type you know? like we don't do any of the cuddling, gossiping, boy talk, dancing in undies, baking and making messes, watching tv and movies without even paying attention, not wearing makeup, bla bla bla all the stuff girls do. me and my girl friends mostly just hang out with groups of boys, gay or not, so there's not really any bonding, just having fun like a party or something. but sometimes I don't want parties, I just want to chill. the only girl here I could really just say or do anything with is a freshman and has her own life and she has two jobs and lives in a different city and a schedule that conflicts with mine and we've never just hung out outside of school, so would that even work?

--

5. is this depression or just anxiety? I'm never depressed, I'm not PMSing or anything stupid like that, I don't have as hard of a life as everyone else I know here. but I think all this added with everyone else's drama is just getting to me. plus I really really really like B even though we barely know each other, and he's the first guy I've liked in over a year, even just a LITTLE bit, let alone a lot. idk he's different somehow.

so my frustration with moving things along with him is just making me more on edge, which makes dealing with other people's drama and being friendless and being lonely is just making a bigger impact. plus I haven't been getting much homework [a good thing] and I've been getting a lot of gaming/tv/movies/reading done [good thing] but somehow it's just so...empty. what's the use of these accomplishments if I have no one to interact with?

--

someone save me.

avatar reactions.

3 reasons why avatar was worth watching:
1. sigourney weaver.
2. the awesome cgi of pandora.
3. 3d spectacular.

3 reasons why avatar made me want to sob from disappointment:
1. the storyline.
2. title-hijacking.
3. wtf was up with that mating scene?